by Nicholas Saulnier, E-Rep for HMM
Fellow men: you have been lied to. Purchasing a stick of deodorant will not make you awesome. Neither will large quantities of money. Manliness is not a product, my friends; it is a lifestyle. One does not save puppies from burning buildings unless one has made a habit of doing the extraordinary.
A true man isn’t greedy. He measures the amount of food he takes from the dinner plate to ensure that there will still be plenty for his girlfriend’s family. Later, he excuses himself from the table in order to save their city by calming the rampaging elephant two streets over with the sweet music of a handmade guitar. If he sees a homeless man, he doesn’t give him a five; he gives him a five-dollar footlong and instructions for turning the wrapping around the sandwich into an origami sombrero. And when it comes to water, a true man only takes as much as he needs.
The Spartan Shower is a ritual that only the manliest of men engage in. The premise is simple: don’t run the water when you don’t need to. A Spartan Shower might look something like this (separated into short sentences to emphasize the manliness): Wet hair. Turn off water. Rub in shampoo. Turn on water. Rinse out shampoo. Wet washcloth and body. Turn off water. Soap up body with washcloth. Turn on water. Rinse off body. Turn off water. Say something that might lead a casual bystander to mistake you for James Bond. Dry off.
Why is the Spartan Shower manly? (A) It saves water. (B) Only sissy guys feel the need to soak in the shower every day until their skin prunes. Do you really want to feel “pampered” in the shower? (C) Women like men that smell like men, not men that smell like goats. You actually get cleaner when you turn off the water while applying the soap, because then you have the chance to rub the shampoo and soap in instead of having it wash off before it can do you any good. (D) The name sounds cool. (E) The less water we use, the more there is for others now and later – and there’s nothing manlier than protecting the children of the future.
For special occasions, consider the Super Spartan. If it’s the morning of the day you’re going to finally ask her out, or if you have a job interview, or if that expensive-car-throwing contest is tomorrow and you need an extra shot of manliness, try this: Do a Spartan Shower… but do it with the water set all the way to “cold.” You’ll save electricity by bypassing the water heater, and you’ll finish your shower in record time!
So men: consider this a challenge. There’s a world waiting for you, a world of adventure, and romance, and yes, puppies too. All you need to do is turn that shower handle… Are you man enough?